The Worst Way Possible
by TheBaldOneMpls
Summary: Pop quiz! You're Kim Possible. You and Ron just took the next step in your relationship. Who do you tell first? a-Your parents. b-Bonnie. c-A caveman determined to destroy the world. d- All of the above. Rated T for innuendo.


DISCLAIMER:

I, the author, make no claim as to ownership of "Kim Possible" or any of its characters. I write this story solely for my own enjoyment and not to create profit for myself or any other entity. All copyrighted material/characters are owned by their respective copyright holder(s)

* * *

Kim Possible knew that her life was a little different from the average high school senior.

Like most girls, she had to study literature and advanced algebra. Unlike most girls, she also had to study ransom notes, bomb defusing and Booby Trap Avoidance 101. Most girls wouldn't be able to handle that, but most girls weren't Kim Possible, and she was okay with that.

Like most girls, she went out on dates, and those dates were sometimes be interrupted by a friend having a major boy crisis. Unlike most girls, her dates were also interrupted by explosions, kidnappings and world domination schemes. Most girls wouldn't be able to handle that, but most girls weren't Kim Possible, and she could live with that.

Like many girls, she had a boyfriend. Unlike most girls, whose boyfriends wouldn't back them up if their social lives depended on it, she had a guy who stood by her side time and time again when their _actual_ lives depended on it. Most girls weren't so lucky, but most girls weren't dating Ron Stoppable, and she was grateful for that.

As of last night, there was one more thing to add to that list.

Most boyfriends would call their buddies and brag about 'scoring' for the first time, but not hers. Not only did they decide to be honest and tell their parents what had happened the next day, but he insisted on being beside her when she broke the news, even if it meant that her father wouldn't have to go far to kill him. Kim knew these things just don't happen to most girls, but most girls weren't Kim Possible, and she thanked any and every deity she could think of for that.

So of course, the moment all four of them sat down around the kitchen table, their conversation was interrupted by a group of cavemen with wooden clubs who chained all of them up, threw them in a helicopter, took them to a remote island and left them chained separate trees at the foot of a volcano.

Most girls wouldn't have to go through that, but most girls weren't Kim Possible, and she had to deal with it.

"Any luck, Ron?" asked Mrs. Possible.

"No dice," he replied. "The chain's not cutting through the tree. How 'bout you, KP?"

Kim grunted as she made one more move to get a hand to her back pocket. Failing to do so, she threw her head back in frustration. "The tree's too thick to get my arms around. I can't reach my lipstick laser or my Kimmunicator." She wasn't seeing any way out yet, but there was still time.

Kim turned and saw the exact same images she had seen for the last half hour. On the tree to her immediate left, Ron was moving his arms back and forth in unison behind his tree, hoping to cut himself free. Tied to the next tree were her mother and father, Anne and James respectively. The two of them would make a feeble move every few minuted to try and escape, but for the most part, they remained the ever-calm Mom and Dad she always knew. And tied to the next tree, the always pleasant...

"I KNEW I should have been in charge of the fundraiser. One of those caveman things is probably going through OUR uniform money as we speak! Can't you and the loser just join the circus with the rest of these freaks?"

...Bonnie.

Bonnie just had to reach the Possibles' front door just as the cavemen did. She was there to collect the cheerleading team's candy sale haul, but she wasn't supposed to show up for another two hours. That would've been plenty of time for Kim to talk to her parents, get chewed out by them, make sure Ron didn't get killed, and recover from all of that drama without letting Bonnie know anything was amiss. Bonnie, though, wanted to spend more time with her boyfriend on his private island (whether it was the boyfriend or the island she was more excited to see was up for debate) so she thought that arriving early wouldn't do any harm.

It did.

While Kim continued to tune out Miss Rockwaller's whining, Ron let out a groan. While the sound briefly reminded her of the... activities of the previous night, she quickly brought her mind out of her haze and turned to her boyfriend. "Everything okay over there?"

"Yeah, it's just that right now I _really_ wish I didn't leave Rufus at home."

"Exactly why _did_ you leave him behind?"

"Because I had no idea how he was going to react to..." Ron's cheeks turned slightly red. "...You know, so I was gonna soften him up with a boatload of Gouda before we broke the news to him."

"Speaking of," interjected Mr. Possible, "what was it that you two were going to talk to us about?"

"It can wait," Kim said matter-of-factly.

"Nonsense," replied her father. "It looks like we're going to have to wait a bit before..." A puzzled look crossed his face. "Say, who is it this time?"

Kim shrugged her shoulders as best as she could. "Beats me. This one seems like a new freak."

"Well, whoever it is," Mr. Possible continued, "it looks like it's going to be a while before they pay us a visit. Plenty of time to talk."

Again, Kim sighed. "Dad, I really don't think this is a good time."

"It's always a good time," he countered. "Besides, a good old fashioned heart-to-heart with your parents won't kill you."

"No, but it might kill me," muttered Ron.

"What was that, Ronald?"

"Nothing, sir, Mr... I mean," Ron gulped. "Mr. Sir P... Mr. Dr. P Sir..."

Mr. Possible turned toward Ron with a slightly suspicious gaze. "All of a sudden, you seem nervous. I thought you two have been through this before."

"Nervous?" Ron quickly replied, his voice cracking. "No, I'm not nervous. Who's nervous? Not me, no-sir-ree-Bob-I-have-no-idea-why-you-think-I'm-nervous-Hehhehheh..."

A look of mild confusion crossed James' face. "So... just to clarify, you're not worried about our current situation."

Ron took a deep breath before speaking again. "Nope. Don't you worry about a thing, Mr. Dr. P. Me and Kim will do it."

As soon as he finished saying it, Ron's eyes grew wide in panic. Had he looked at his girlfriend, he would've seen the same expression on her face.

"ESCAPE!" he screamed. "Me and Kim will escape! And that is the ONLY thing I meant by "it!" Just escaping! No other possible meanings."

Now it was Anne's turn to look concerned. "Ron," she began, "just so I'm clear, the two of you _have_ done it before, right?"

"NO!" came the fast response from both Ron and Kim. Kim's fair skin instantly grew a shade or two paler as she tried to gather herself. "I mean... yes. We've escaped before. Far worse situations than this."

Bonnie sighed. "Are you two losers _always_ this twitchy?"

**"SILENCE!"**

The five captives were surprised by the sudden exclamation. They all turned to see a the man who made the decree. He looked like the other cavemen – big, burly and carrying a big club. But he was different. While the others wore brown toga-like fur clothes, his was a very bright white. He wore a crown which appeared to be made of animal teeth with a large ivory tusk sticking up on each side. And most obviously, all of the other cavemen dropped to one knee and bowed in his presence. The odds of this guy being the one behind their abduction appeared to be pretty good.

He made an upward motion with his right hand. With that, all of the cavemen rose from their knees and stood at attention.

"Greetings," he began. "My name is Sapia and those that stand before you are-"

"Look," said Kim. "Usually I don't do this. I get the whole 'villains need to monologue' deal and usually I let them do their thing. But the thing is-"

**"SILENCE!"**

"Uhhhh... yeah... so anyways," Kim continued, "you guys interrupted something _really_ important that we'd like to get back to, so can you skip to the part where you tell us your plan, we escape and beat you so we can go on our way?"

Sapia laughed. "Foolish girl, you needn't be in such a hurry, for these moments on Earth are your last."

"Look, Sapia," Kim growled. "If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I'd be a millionaire, but I'm not, so can we PLEASE get on with it?"

James leaned towards Ron while keeping an eye on the exchange between his daughter and the cavemen's leader. "She seems a little... off today. Did something happen to her, Ronald?"

"I-HAVE-NO-IDEA-WHAT-YOU-ARE-TALKING-ABOUT!" came Ron's reply.

**"SILENCE!"** Sapia cried.

Kim sighed angrily. "Look, we get the whole silence thing. Can we get to the plan?"

The leader chuckled. "Very well." He then turned toward the crowd of cavemen. "Soothsayer, come forth!"

Once again, the cavemen dropped to a knee. Out from their ranks walked a short elderly man dressed in a long gray fur. He used his club as a walking stick as he slowly advanced to Sapia's side. "Before you stands our Soothsayer. Many years ago, he foretold of a new beginning for this Earth. He told us of a massive rock which will cleanse the planet of all of the vile people that inhabit it. He told us that when the time is right, and if we honor them, the gods will direct this rock to land on the opposite side of the planet, creating a massive dust cloud that will choke the rotten life from this world. A new... Big Bang, if you will." His grin grew wide. "The Soothsayer has told us that the right time is today. Once the rock hits, the only safe place will be this island, and when the dust clears, we shall-"

"Ummm... Sapia?" James interjected. "I happen to study space for a living and I can tell you that asking gods to change the trajectory of a-"

**"SILENCE!"**

"Oh, enough with the silence already!" cried Bonnie. "Don't you guys ever stop talking?"

"Enjoy my voice while you can, weaklings," responded Sapia. "Soon the only sound you will hear are your own cries for mercy."

"And what makes you think we'll do that?" asked Kim.

Sapia's smile returned. "I don't believe being thrown into a volcano is a pleasant experience, do you?"

Kim's eyes narrowed. Everyone else's eyes widened, even Bonnie's. They knew that things just got serious. "So you're going to throw us all into a volcano? So cliché."

"Such spunk," sneered Sapia. "You will make a great gift to the gods. In fact, it will be your sacrifice which brings the rock to this wretched world. Once the planet has been purged, the rest of you will be given as gifts of thanks."

Kim gritted her teeth. "You will never get away with this."

"Your hope is useless," replied Sapia. "We have numbers, we have weapons, and we have the gods on our side." He then turned towards his men. "Prepare... the virgin sacrifice!"

Sapia's henchmen let out a cheer before scurrying to prepare for the trip up the volcano. The only with their eyes still focused on the villain were Mr. and Mrs. Possible. Without breaking his gaze, James leaned his head to right and said, "So, Kimmie-cub, about that plan..."

Had James actually looked in the direction of his daughter and her boyfriend, he would have seen two people frozen in fear. Their eyes were almost bulging out of their skulls and all of the color faded from their face. This situation had gone from bad to terrible in less than a second and both of them knew it. Needless to say, there was no response.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll think of one in time."

"I'm gonna die," Ron whispered to himself. "Your dad is gonna kill me and I'll be dead. Then your mom is gonna bring me back to life so that she can kill me and I'll be dead again. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die."

It took almost a full minute before Ron stopped his chant, but the fear hadn't left his body. If his heartbeat was any indication, it was getting stronger by the second. But he wasn't afraid of not finding a way out of this predicament. In fact, he had a plan that would save them all. But that was what doubled his fear, because he knew it would more than likely come at the cost of his own life. He turned to Kim, who seemed to be going over the same idea in her mind. Ron's eyes asked a silent question, and Kim gave her approval with a slow nod.

"Um, Sapia is it?" Ron called. "Can I have a word?"

**"SILENCE!"**

Ron gulped. "Look, yes, I know, silence, golden. Gotcha. But this is important."

"You fool!" cried Sapia. "What could possibly compare to the importance of this great sacrifice?"

"But that's what I'm trying to say," he replied. "This has plenty to do with the sacrifice."

Sapia paused. A moment later, he spoke. "Very well. You may speak."

Ron gulped again. "Okay, so KP... er, Kim, is a gift to convince the gods to bring the comet here."

"Yes. We give the gods a virgin sacrifice to show them our faith, and they shall reward us by eliminating the scum of this planet. Now if that is all-"

"Wait!" screamed Ron. "I have a follow up!"

Sapia bared his teeth. "I am losing patience, but proceed."

"Okay, follow up," Ron said with sweat pouring down his face. "Suppose... and this is hypothetical, mind you... what if... the virgin sacrifice... wasn't so... hypothetically... virgin-y?"

A serious look crossed James' face. "Ronald, what are you- OOOOF!" His query was cut off by a kick to his shin delivered by his wife.

"Well... If we were to present the gods with... an unclean gift... they would let their anger be known by activating this volcano, killing us all. Now if you are done-"

"ONE MORE!" pleaded Ron.

Sapia walked to the tree Ron was tied to and met him eye-to-eye. "This is your last interruption, child."

"Last question, I promise." Ron took a big cleansing breath, thinking it was one of the last ones he'd ever take. "Now what if... hypothetically speaking, now... what if..."

"What if it wasn't hypothetical?"

Dead silence fell over the clearing. Dozens of sets of eyes turned to Kim, the source of the shocking question, including those belonging to the captives.

It was Sapia who broke the silence. "Exactly what are the two of you implying?"

Ron was about to speak, but his girlfriend beat him to the punch. "I'm not _implying _anything. I am _telling _you that... I cannot be your virgin sacrifice because... well... I'm not a virgin."

Sapia chuckled. "You think your lies will work on me? Fools! We've followed you for months, even a mere 24 hours ago!"

"What about 18 hours ago?" asked Kim. The question gave Sapia pause. Silence again fell over the island. Only one person dared to break it.

"...Kimmie," Anne said. "I know the situation calls for escape through any means necessary, but you father and I would feel more comfortable if you did so without lying."

"Mom..." A tear began to roll down her cheek. "I'm not lying. You and dad were at work, the Tweebs were at Wade's, and we..." she bowed her head down in shame.

"Ronald," James commanded, "tell her she can stop this charade."

Ron shook his head no.

"It... it is a charade, isn't it?"

Again, Ron shook his head no.

James' face grew more serious than Ron had ever seen before. "Ronald, don't you think that finding this out in the middle of an abduction is a little inappropriate?"

"Well, remember that conversation we were going to have before all this?" Ron sighed. "Yeah, we just had it."

Before James could respond, Sapia intervened. "Enough of this foolishness. Soothsayer!"

At that, the Soothsayer again came to Sapia's side. After exchanging a look, the oracle walked up to Ron. He looked at the blonde and, after a moment, began to... sniff him.

"Dude, little personal?" Ron protested, but the sniffing continued for a few more seconds. He then walked over to Kim.

"Don't you dare, creep," yelled Kim when he was still a few steps away.

Soothsayer took a deep breath through his nose. Then he frowned. "There is no need. I can smell his stench on you from here," he said with disappointment. "She is unclean."

There was not a sound to be heard on the island. Soothsayer did not move from where he stood. Neither did Sapia. Both were frozen with the realization that their great plan had failed. This same realization fell over the crowd of cavemen, but not one of them dared to speak of their disappointment. As for the captives, Anne and James spent the next few moments looking at their daughter, her boyfriend and each other in varying orders, too stunned to do much else. Kim and Ron couldn't look at anything except the ground directly in front of them. And Bonnie was...

"OH... MY... GOD."

...giddy.

"This... is too good!" she squealed. "I mean, it's sick, gross and completely disgusting but... little miss perfect isn't so perfect after all!"

Kim's response was barely above a whisper. "Look, Bonnie, can you call off the dogs until after we-"

"Tell me, K, was his freak mating call too much to resist?"

This time, the reply was fierce, but it didn't come from Kim. "Look here, Bonnie," said Anne. "Ron is family and you will NOT talk about him like that-"

"What are you gonna do, ground me?"

"No," replied a re-energized Kim, "but I will. _To a pulp_."

Anne gasped. "Kimberly Anne Possible! I don't care what that girl says. You should be above that. What has gotten into you?"

"Ron did," Bonnie said with a smirk.

Kim's anger doubled. "Oh, you are SO lucky I'm tied to this tree."

"KIMBERLY!" Anne scolded. "Did you just threaten that girl again?"

Kim glared at her adversary before she let out a defeated sigh. "Sorry, mom. It was just the first thing that came out of my mouth and I just- I'm sorry."

"Well this has been an interesting conversation," said a smirking Bonnie. "We learned the first thing that came out of your mouth AND the first thing that came _into_ your mouth!"

"OH-KAY!" interjected a nervous Ron. "How about we all play a game called 'LET'S NOT TWEAK THE GIRL THAT CAN SAVE US ALL! READY? GO!'"

Bonnie's smirk grew bigger. "I think we've all heard just about enough about how you _tweak_ Kim."

"BONNIE YOU'RE LOSING THE GAME!"

"As if I care! I can go as long as I want to... unlike you."

Anne leaned towards her husband. "You know, I'm starting to see why Kimmie's not too fond of this girl."

**"SILENCE!"**

Sapia's yell brought the focus of the captives back to him. He had returned to the center of the clearing with Soothsayer once again at his side. He let out a frustrated growl before he continued. "After discussions with Soothsayer, it is clear that our planned sacrifice would be useless."

"Great," said Bonnie. "So can you please let us go now?"

Sapia sneered at the brunette. "You wretched humans think you should walk freely without suffering? Ha!"

"Um, Sapia?" interjected Ron. "Look, if it makes you feel any better, I'm gonna suffer. I mean, as soon as you let me go, I'm going to get killed by those two." He motioned his head towards Mr. and Mrs. Possible. "So it won't be like _nobody_ suffers here-"

"Nonsense."

Ron turned towards Mr. Possible. Did he just say that he wasn't going to kill him?

"We're not going to kill you."

He did! Twice!

"Ronald, I will do horrible things to anyone who hurts my daughter. If I were to take you take you away from her, I think it would hurt her more than anything you could possibly do."

Ron couldn't believe what he was hearing. It sounded way too good to be true. "So... we're... cool?"

"Absolutely not," James replied.

Okay, it was too good to be true.

"Let me explain," he continued. "Just because we're not going to kill you doesn't mean we approve of what the two of you did. Even if it did save her life. So what's going to happen is this: When we get out of here, the four of us will have a talk. A long, hard talk-

Bonnie couldn't resist. "Are you sure you want Ron to be long and hard around Kim?"

_"SILENCE!"_ came the cry from the other four captives.

**"SILENCE!"** came the cry from Sapia. "Nobody is leaving this island. We have found a replacement."

"A... a replacement?" asked Kim. "But who?"

Kim looked at Ron. Ron looked at Kim. Both of them looked at James. James looked at Anne. Anne looked at Ron. Ron looked at Soothsayer. Soothsayer smiled. Ron looked at Kim. Kim looked at Anne. Anne looked at James. James looked at Ron.

Everyone looked at Bonnie.

"PREPARE.. THE VIRGIN SACRIFICE!"

"I. Hate. All of you."


End file.
